My daughter, you were born with lots of birthmarks. Up and down your spine. Into your hairline and scalp. Across your forehead and both eyes and your nose. The unexpected amount took us by surprise and raised the question, “Would they be permanent?” I’m sorry to say that our first impression was hoping they would not be. It’s not that we didn’t find you beautiful. It’s that we feared how people might treat you, particularly in your teenage years when looks have a fickle connection to one’s self-understanding and perceived social-value. The doctors tell us these marks will fade. Still, the process has taught me something. When we humans have socially less desirable qualities about ourselves (i.e. things that people make fun of), we have choices for how to react, and we often go for the more damaging ones. Sometimes, we compare ourselves to others that we deem less fortunate than us. We say, “I should consider myself lucky that I’m not like that.” While this I-actually-have-it-better state of mind may help minimize our own self pity, it’s not the best place to stay because it only contributes to the false hierarchy of human value. Be cautious of this comparison trap. Other times, we entirely focus the problem on other people’s perception of us. “Well if you don’t like it, tough,” we say. Or, “Someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.” While this criticism of “the haters” and “their” social norms can help us recognize our own underlying bigotry, it can’t ultimately be the ground on which we build our self worth because it is founded on the view points of others. The Screw-Them trap is really just that, a trap, and one that proves the hardest to escape. So listen my daughter, I know how easy it is to make myself feel better these ways. I, too, have birth marks. Mine are large scars left over from multiple surgeries to repair my severely collapsed chest. Growing up, it didn’t even matter if people made fun of my body directly or not. I lived my life clouded by the fear, loneliness, and self-persecution of hating what made me different. What I have found most valuable in my own life is knowing who I am — birthmarks, scars, “shortcomings” and all — and standing confident in that… maybe even loving that. “I am me, and me includes everything in this body I got.” While this isn’t always an immediate solution to situations of bullying or feelings of lonely outsider-ness, I promise you that it is the most solid ground to live on. Confidence in one’s whole self positively impacts both how you treat yourself and others. Not to mention, it’s the only viewpoint consistently in your control. My daughter, stick to this third path, and you will come to love the “birthmarks” that make you you.